There are so many emotions in this process its mind boggling

He finally opened a soft space for me to share but I told him I’m exhausted and my heart feels closed to trying to share now.

He said it makes perfect sense that I am exhausted because he has been avoidant for the past 3 months after dday2. Last phone call we had I was trying to share that I was becoming tired of trying to share & I wanted him to want to see me - he said he didn’t want to repair and that my emotions didn’t “inspire confidence.” So now when he called this time with a little more space and sweetness it seemed like exactly what I wanted but I said no…

I told him it’s time to close the book so we can allow this to heal us as people, but now it just feels like I am the one walking away.

After all this time of begging to feel heard and safe, he finally gives a little and I’ve already given up! I’m traumatized by his emotional neglect (the story is obviously larger than just this post). But now I am picturing everything sweet that ever happened and I can’t get out of bed.

I’m so confused and devastated but I know I need to be strong and not go back on my word and call him now.

I’ve known him for almost 10 years I just hope he is okay. I love him so much??? My brain and heart are so fucking confused right now.