She died and idk how to feel…

12/5 my mom was found dead in her apartment. She had been there a few days too…I hadn’t spoken to her since April after a failed 30 days in rehab. I cleaned out her apartment last weekend and it broke my heart….she was living in horrible squalor. Trash, no furniture, dirty mattress, rotten food, empty wine and pill bottles….so far removed from the OCD, neat freak, germaphobe I grew up with.

I feel like I already grieved her when I went NC so I things are different then when my dad died a few years ago. I was actively repairing my relationship with him and he was working on his sobriety. I stepped away from my mom when I realized she was sinking us both….it was the single most difficult decision I ever made, and I’m trying to remember that I made it out of love. Right now it doesn’t feel that way and I wish I had broken my boundaries to save her…I wish she had been properly diagnosed in time and given the proper support…I know I’ll come around, but I’m really in the thick of it right now.

Thanks for reading my vent and I appreciate and any all advice/support 🧡