Really hurting from the flying monkeys.
Hi there, I'm 20. I went no contact with my mother about 11 months ago now. I moved in with my dad after a decade of parental alienation. Behind, I left my younger and older brothers. Obviously, the brainwashing has already started against me as I am now a targeted parent leaving the bubble of toxicity. Not only am I hurting with the reality that I have realized and gotten away from, but I am hurting because it has a strain on my relationship with my brothers. Especially the younger one. The older seems to be indifferent. I have a truckload of anger so it is very hard to stay indifferent in front of them. However, I learned that my older brother is "screening" the emails I ever send to my mom to make sure they aren't mean. "Because she is so distraught." She kicked me out because I mentioned the idea of living with my dad after I was too depressed to keep a job. So I moved out with my dad and it has been much better. However, I am still dealing with the grief and confusion and not knowing if I want to be no contact forever.
I grew up (as did my mom) in an isolationist home. She cheated on my dad, groomed us to worship her, then kidnapped us out of state. Where after that we spent the next decade missing out on everything and specifically me getting parentified. I am 99% she has BPD, not narcissism (despite that being my father's "illness" I am hurting so much that I am outside of the cult because I was taught to play sides and my instincts want my brothers to understand me and be on my side. However, they can't and won't understand the truth until they're out from under her thumb. It's literally painful hearing them talk about her positively, and maybe that's just because I am so angry at her.
I graduate in a month and I don't even know if I want to invite her, despite my dad saying he wishes that I could (he is way forgiving to her), but I'm not really sure. I have a lot pent up and it is killing me, I'm getting dark thoughts. I am a mess and I am self medicating and I just need advice as to what I can do.
