living as an ugly girl
living as an unattractive girl sucks. i used to not care my whole life but i guess that started to change last year. remembering that i’m ugly ruins my mood everyday its funny lol. like if i’m laughing about things or thinking about plans of going out, i remember i’m ugly and I just stop laughing/smiling or like I just cancel those plans. And its not like me cancelling plans with people, its just cancelling plans for myself. i haven’t had friends for 8 years now, so i’m not that unreliable friend. Like i guess an example was just 5 minutes ago, i wanted to buy a cute christmas sweater but I wont look cute and feminine in it. I’m gonna look like some bulky fat pig or whatever. Also like my face is just unattractive, whats it called? facial harmony? idk like my face is built like a 12 year old boy who hasn’t hit puberty yet LOL i think thats what best describes me. anyway, i hope one day when I finally become pretty, i can finally make some girl friends! i think me being unattractive makes me really unapproachable. i see girls compliment other girls in public and they’re strangers, but its so cute to see that kinda randomness. “you’re so pretty!” “your outfit is so cute” etc. i love seeing those kind words exchanged to each other between two girls that don’t know each other. i’m sure if i’ve been pretty this whole time I feel like i wouldn’t have gone 8 years straight without friends, but thats okay, i can’t go back in time anyways shrug.
And for guys, I think of myself as brave and silly whenever I think a guy is attractive. Only because I’m highly aware they would never find me attractive back. Like, they would just make fun of me as a joke to their other guy friends because that happened to me a few times in middle school because I was bigger and stuff. I did lose a lot of weight too, but my face is still just as masculine and unattractive looking. I know not to ever act on those feelings and thoughts towards the guys I find cute to prevent myself from getting embarrassed and rejected! I just stay quiet with my mouth zipped, and move on with my day! lolol.
I honestly cant wait to graduate college, get a good paying job and finally fix my face because it needs a loootttt of work done. It’s exciting though to look forward to!
Anyway I’m tired I can’t wait to sleep, work, come home and game all night long. I need a new game to play I just don’t know what yet, I need to scroll through steam