Every night is brain numbingly long and boring. I need a better way to pass the time.

every day from 10 pm to 2:45 am I just sit on a chair and scroll reddit or do chess puzzles. I need all my senses focused and sharp, so I can't listen to podcasts or watch videos with volume on. I eventually get sick of reading or games. Some days I literally just sit here and stare into the darkness and wait for the painful monotony to finally end, hoping death will find me first. I can't do anything I enjoy, and I don't enjoy anything I can do other than chess. But again there's only so many 5 hour stretches you can take of something man. Not to mention the sleep deprivation. rarely am I in a healthy or even functioning state of mind. I am seriously losing my mind. Recently I've been watching fail compilations, but of course I'll get bored of that too.

What are some other things I can do that won't distract me too much? I genuinely feel like I am going to be driven to rash and reckless decisions if I don't somehow occupy my mind. This is going to be my life for the foreseeable future. I thought chess was a great idea and it was for a while, but it's wearing thin now and I need to intersperse something else. All I have on me during these hours is a smartphone.

The problem with reading for me is that it takes a lot out of me for some reason. I just can't take a lot of reading. I get way too sucked into it too, where my brain is so sick of reading but my desire to reach the conclusion of the bloody story is stronger. so that's not a good option for me.