I need someone to talk to.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 7 years. He is a very good man in most ways and I love him very much. I believe he loves me too.

About halfway into our relationship I discovered that he had been on a lot of dating apps and was on Craigslist and backpage looking for escorts, etc. This of course changed everything, but I love him very much and I feel very dependent on him so I gave him a chance to change. He seemed very sorry.

Since then, it has been a cycle of the same thing happening over and over. He likes to watch porn while I’m going down on him, which I have told him I don’t like but he says it is therapeutic for him so I just try to get through it. He also has hundreds of naked pictures saved in his phone and on his Instagram. It seems like every few months, I will catch him on escort sites and he will swear to stop. I don’t know why I’ve been so stupid to stay with him, but I just can’t let go. In January, I left him and stayed with my family. This was the first time we’d been “broken up” for more than a day. Of course, again, I decided to give him one last chance if he swore to stop all of it.. delete all the pictures, videos, etc.

Since then I felt like things were good and he was a changed man. I was finally beginning to heal and learn how to trust him again. He still watched a lot of porn and still liked to watch it while I was going down on him, but I felt a little more okay with it because “at least he wasn’t cheating.” I also still found saved photos in his phone and ig of naked women.. but at least it wasn’t escorts.

That is, until a few nights ago I had an urge to look in his phone and I saw a message that said, “tomorrow”. There was nothing else because he had deleted the conversation, but I knew. I looked up the number and it was an escort.

So again, I’m here feeling very lonely and hopeless. He keeps saying he needs my help to get through his sex addiction. That he can’t do it alone. He says he wants to change and feels that he has been changing and improving over time, although slowly. And I have been begging him for years to go to therapy, but I think he is embarrassed someone will find out about his problem- which I understand.. and right now with covid-19 he can’t exactly go to meetings or anything. I have asked him to 100% quit cold turkey, no porn or pictures or videos or sex at all... but he refuses because he said he read its best to “wean” off of it so he won’t relapse. Ive read a bit about sex addiction but I’m at a loss for what to do from here. I know it sounds stupid but I’m not ready to give up on this relationship yet.

I’ve never told any of my friends or family about this because I know most people will just tell me to leave and that’s not what I want. I just needed to vent someplace that maybe real people would understand and see.

For the record, I don’t actually know if he’s ever physically cheated with the escorts or if he just has a thing for talking to them... I wouldn’t be surprised. I don’t know