It feels awful to be high now

Before I met my ex wife I was a casual weed user. Edibles only. She was the one who really got me into weed. When we were married we were stoned every day. I didn't handle it as well as her. I started smoking more and more, started smoking in the morning, hiding how much I was smoking from her.

Last year she left me. Didn't have anything to do with the weed really. I started getting more and more anxious when I was high, and decided to take a break at least. The other night I took a hit of a vape pen on a whim. Holy shit, I was curled up on the couch in terror as I fixated on horrible things. My divorce, my dental health, my mortality...

How did I live in that mental state all the time? I feel like I never want to be high again, and it didn't even feel like my choice. Maybe it's lucky in a way, or maybe it's a sign of my worsening mental health?