I want to get high to avoid committing suicide

Hello everyone.

This post will be weird but I think you are used to it. I just gave up important components of my life. I had given up on committing suicide 10 years ago.

I was poorly telling myself that if I didn't give my life any importance, on the other hand, it could be useful to others. I spent 10 years devoting most of my time to activism and it helped me stop taking hard drugs. I had even stopped drinking ! I was really proud about being sober !

But in 2024, I began to stop to believe in everything. Fascisme is winning and our planet will be totally devasted by greedy men. It took me awhile. I tried to resist to the burnout ... But ... I just gave up. A week ago. It's hard. I feel empty.

I put on a show for my loved ones so as not to worry them. I they think I'm better but ... that's absolutely not the case.

My boyfriend is thinking about dumping me. He knows I'm a real garbage. And I'm probably in love of someone who doesn't care about me. Maybe despise me. I don't know. Maybe I'm drunk in love by madness.

Honestly I feel super lonely and I have the feeling that no one on this planet is deeply attached to me. That's ok because I'm a monster. Not really human.

At the end of the month I will start day hospitalization in a psychiatric clinic. And that's where my question will come from for you all : What drug should I take to get high on my psychiatric hospital days?

I still have a lot of things to wrap up this month and I still have a lot of commitments but then ... I think I'm going to totally indulge in getting high. I don't want to get caught by the psychiatric team. I thought about taking heroin again but it's totally dead as fck, people will guess that I'm super high ... And even my loved ones will see that I'm completely high.

Can we IV Tercian? I just want a real mental death without the hassle. I want to find that sweet hug again. I want to feel the way I feel when I'm asleep.