Grief

Hi everyone, apologies for long post. I don’t normally put things out there but I feel like I need some support.

I am a 24 year old f. Almost a year ago, my brother in law died by suicide, leaving behind a son and step daughter. I have known him since I was a child, we have always got on brilliantly and he treated me like a sister. Until now, I have felt quite numb about the whole thing. I think I must have gone into autopilot to look after my young nephew and niece. My sister is still really struggling but has a good support network (me and parents and extended family) around her. I work full time too so I don’t really have much time to myself.

It’s just lately that I have been starting to feel different things. Last week, I just felt so angry with him and wished that life could go back to how it was as it is so incredibly different to how it was. He was a big part of our lives and I still expect him to walk through the door and scoop up his boy. It breaks my heart that this little boy has to grow up without his dad, especially one who adored him so much but was fighting too many demons. My nephew is only 3 and still cries and begs for his dad. He was 2 and a half when this happened.

Fast forward to tonight. I watched an unrelated video when scrolling Tik Tok of the Queen and Prince Harry (random, I know). And it just made me think about my nephew and burst into tears which I can’t stop. I’m just not sure if I’m finally moving through stages of grief. I know it’s not linear or anything like that but it’s just hard.

I’m on sertraline. Have been since August last year. I just cannot believe how our lives have changed and would give anything to have life back to before. I work full time as a teacher in a demanding job so this keeps me busy. I just feel almost isolated because of the way he died and people not knowing how to comfort or are scared of saying the wrong thing. I’m a pretty open person and for me talking is the way I clear my head so this is also hard for me. Luckily I have someone I can confide in and this has helped me tremendously. But this has been the worst times of my life. Yet you still find beauty in it. Because of him, a charity has been set up to support men’s mental health. We wouldn’t have my beautiful nephew without him.

I don’t know what I was trying to say, but it feels good letting it all out. And if anyone else is going through a similar situation you are in my thoughts.