Have been diagnosed yet

25 F

I have been getting depression symptoms since I was a teenager, I am in my mind 20’s now. I have been 2 psychologists so far but none of them really understood what exactly is wrong with me. Since I am a woman they always speak about PMS/PMDD.

I used to self harm and I stopped it for two years and thats all I can think of now or killing myself (which I decided I wouldnt do it) but that thought always crosses my mind. It has been really tough. I get triggered for the slightest thing and its saturday night and I am in my dark room, thinking about ways to end my life. I do not have a healthy relationships, including my parents or boyfriend.

I have notice BPD symptoms and things are getting really hard, I am looking for the blade but I want to stop and Idk how. The psychologists in my country arent great, always money minded. Any help/advice much appreciated.