5 months into dating a widow, struggling to make our own memories

I’m a divorced 41F who has been dating a widowed 40F for the past 5 months. We’re both bi, I divorced my exhusband 10 years ago and we coparent our 12F together. I also have a 3F as a solo mum by choice. My girlfriend’s late husband passed in 2020, and their daughter together is 5. All 5 of us get on really well, my daughters adore her daughter and my GF, and vice versa. Things have been going really well, for the most part.

I’ve never felt competitive with my GF’s late husband. She mentions him all the time, and at first it didn’t bother me at all. More recently though, I’ve been struggling with the feeling that when I think we’re having a special moment of our own, she’s actually thinking about him.

For example, for Christmas I spent weeks finding the perfect bracelet for her. She wears 4 or 5 bracelets already, that are always on although she’s never directly mentioned them. I spent weeks surreptitiously checking them out to gauge her tastes and find a bracelet that would work with the others. The one I eventually bought was very expensive (for me!). I was really looking forward to giving it to her, and deliberately chose a moment just before Christmas when we were on our own (without the kids) because I really wanted to see her reaction. When I gave it to her she said she loved it! She gave me a huge kiss, and then immediately put it on. I was thrilled! Then she started explaining all her other bracelets, and they were ALL from her late husband. I’d had no idea, and assumed they were from a range of friends and family. Instead they all represent different moments, some happy some sad, from her marriage. I listened to her stories and didn’t mention anything to her directly, but inside I was gutted. A moment I’d looked for to for weeks immediately became about her late husband, when I had thought we were creating our own memory.

Since then She’s mentioned how hard Christmas is for her, because their daughter loves Christmas and he never got to spend a Christmas with her. Then after Christmas she mentioned that early January is hard for her because their daughter was born prematurely in difficult circumstances in January. On another occasion I mentioned the date of my birthday and it turns out that my birthday is the day before his was. She thought this was some sort of happy quirk of fate, while my heart completely sank because now I know that whatever I do to celebrate my birthday she’ll be thinking of him. I was really looking forward to Valentine’s previously, but now I’m just waiting for her to compare whatever we decide to do with previous Valentines. This doesn’t just happen with big things, on a day-to-day basis we’ll often be having a lovely moment with the girls, and while I think we’re creating memories together, she’ll start talking about when she came to this place or did this activity with her late husband, and I’ll feel like I’m the only one of us who’s enjoying the actual moment.

Before you rip me to shreds, firstly I don’t say any of this to her directly. She’s entitled to her memories and I would never want her to censor her thoughts around me. I always listen, and engage directly in the discussion with her, asking questions etc. I guess I just wish her thoughts were occasionally of me and what we’re doing together.

Sorry for the long rambly post. I guess I’m just a bit lost and unsure how to navigate this issue. I’m happy to have his photos up and to talk about him regularly, especially for their daughter. Obviously our relationship is nowhere near long enough to think the photos would come down, but even if we’d been married for ten years I would still expect the photos to be up, and I’m genuinely fine with that. But I don’t know how to express to my GF that I hope in time we’ll have our own memories, alongside her memories of him. I don’t even know if that’s a reasonable thing to want. I love her and I really want this relationship to work, so I don’t want to fumble this sensitive issue. Really hoping to hear from widows on this?