i cant stop crying

you try your best but no one helps you. they have no reason to die. they were healthy. well 2 of them, they were 3, one of them was already very sick when i received them and died the very next day, the other one was actually my fault, he climbed up out of their box and his head coordination want very good and his head fell into a bowl of water nearby, he aspirated and soon he got pneumonia and died after his brother. it was so traumatizing for me but it made me more careful. i took good care of the last one, it was the week before my finals and i made him my priority. he had a cold. the whole time they were with me i kept going in and out of the vet clinic as i was inexperienced. also i kept in touch with the vet. i kept googling every little thing and texting the doctor. i can say that google was way more helpful than him (and he was the best in my city). the last one had a cold. i expressed to the vet that i was afraid it's gonna turn into pneumonia and he just dismissed my concern. the kitten did, in fact, get pneumonia. and he followed his little siblings. 1 hour before he left us i went to the vet, a different one this time, i told him the kitten has a difficulty breathing and that he's hardly drinking any milk. he literally yelled at me, pulled the back of the neck of the little thing and forced fed him and told me to do the same. i went home while doubting what he said but he was the vet, right? i went home and force fed that little baby. he couldn't handle it and he fell. i could see his little ribcage raising very high as he struggled for a breath. he started climbing my chest. i am quiet used to him having a strong little grip and not needing assistance climbing. well not this time. he fell right off of me. this moment keeps playing over and over in my mind. finally, he died. struggling for a breath. that was 3 weeks ago. now i have no kittens. failed my exam. and a huge load of guilt. i cant see myself ever caring for kittens again. not without proper vets and support.