/r/Asexuality and Men

I'll be honest. I debated even posting this. I think its a complex and multifaceted issue that is likely to make people upset. However, after some recent posts I've seen, I think its worth talking about.

/r/Asexuality has a man problem. More specifically, this subreddit has a problem with generalisation that, on occassion, borders on sexism. This also extends to allosexuals in general, but its pretty clear that most of the time people here talk about 'allosexuals,' they are primarily talking about allosexual men.

I think there are two major parts to this, so I'll talk about them seperately.

1. /r/Asexuality as a female space

Its not a secret that the majority of people who identify as asexual are women or non-binary individuals. There are a lot of reasons for this, both sociological and biological, but the result is that the asexual sphere is pretty woman-centric a lot of the time, which leads to

2. The demonisation of men

Now, don't get me wrong here. I am not denying the fact that some allosexual men are bigoted, or so entrenched within their societal roles that they cannot comprehend the concept of asexuality, or they're just plain dicks. These people absolutely exist and I have met them. However, they are not every man, nor are they aliens. They are individual humans with specific beliefs that are not reflective of anyone but themselves.

Why does this matter?

For multiple reasons.

Firstly, bigotry of any kind is bad. Just because someone of a specific demographic (or even multiple people of that demographic) is hateful, doesn't mean you get to be too.

But beyond that, and more practically, this is an open forum for people to visit. Some of those people will be allosexual men who may hold these views. I am not saying we accept their hatred (the paradox of tolerance applies, of course) but the only way that will ever change is by engaging with these people, and not simply dismissing and demonising them.

Even more notably, there are asexual people who identify as men or are AMAB. They have as much right to this community as anyone else. They should not be treated as outsiders or 'one of the good ones' because they are as asexual as any other people here.

Oversharing time

So, to counter the inevitable response, I am not a man. I am not allosexual. This is not a post about me specifically but of a wider trend I've noticed, in which 'men' are treated as an inherent problem/oppressor class and women (and specifically asexual women) are treated as an inherent victim class to the men, which is just very dehumanising to the men that come here and only helps to fuel the divide.

Trigger warning for the next section: I'll be talking about my personal experiences with sexual trauma on a very surface level. I'm not going in-depth about any of it but, if you don't want to know, feel free to skip it.

I have a different experience to many others here. As a child, I was sexually abused by an older girl on multiple occassions, long before I had any sort of understanding of what was going on. As an adult, I have also been sexually harrassed by multiple women while working at a bar.

These experiences haven't led me to have a hatred of women or anything. There are many women in my life that I love and respect. I do identify, to some degree, as a woman. However, it has led me to take some ire at the constant reinforcement of men being cast as perpetrators and women as victims that gets pushed in spaces such as this.

Again, I want to make it clear that I'm not trying to devalue anyone's individual experiences, but more to start a discussion and thought against generalisation and demonisation throughout the community.

Edit: Well, this has been a depressing experience. To those who read this and felt seen in some way, I'm glad that I could at least bring up the idea. To those who saw this and immediately saw it as some sort of threat or 'dogwhistle' then... man, I don't know what to say, but I hope you were at least able to reflect a little on the fact that maybe your cute little misandry isn't so cute and little. I'm going to bed. Enjoy.