What the drink in someone's hand on college campus says about them. (Satire)

Generic Coffee: The true neutral of college students. Wakes up, goes to class, goes home, does homework in between watching YouTube and playing video games. Gets decent grades and is generally happy with them. Probably doesn't get enough sleep but it's not that bad.

Water: Same as above but maybe less sleep deprived. Probably has better time management and self discipline. Listed as an endangered species on the IUCN Red List.

Starbucks Fancy Drink: Probably had their dorm and tuition paid for by their rich parents along with a $3000 monthly allowance. Only getting a degree because daddy told them to, gets all 50s and calls it a day because they're inheriting the family corporation as long as they graduate.

Juice/Smoothie: Mainly here for the experience. Went on a jog around campus before class this morning. Has fun, makes friends, joins clubs, takes electives just because they're interesting. Probably doing well in class but could also be doing terribly.

Bubble Tea: Obsessed with East Asian culture, namely, either Taiwan/Hong Kong (but not mainland China), or is a weeb for Japan. Actually thinks bubble tea is some Taiwanese delicacy and totally not junk food that's gone out of control in Taiwan and hated by health professionals in Taiwan, Mainland China, Japan, etc. Watches subs, not dubs.

Energy Drink: Probably didn't sleep last night, running on the fumes of sugar, caffeine, and vitamin B12. Either getting 99% in their classes and kicking themselves for it, or is desperately clawing themselves out of failing. Handed in their paper either a week in advance or at 8:59:59 this morning. Haven't showered in a week, hair and face are greasy, wearing one of their two shirts. Unironically eats instant noodles or mac and cheese.

Soda: Is trying to chase the feeling of their childhood years, but somehow the pop doesn't taste as sweet these days. Let it go dude, it's time to embrace being a disillusioned adult.

Milk: Unless they're Dexter and doing a PHD at six years old, probably the campus's resident serial killer. Seriously, milk?

Beer: Somehow escaped from a college movie. Probably got a varsity scholarship, attended a total of 3.5 lectures this term, god help you if you get them as a group project member. Has broken up with more partners than the total number of humans you've crossed paths with. Ignores COVID-19 restrictions to party. Probably on their way to vandalize the rival frat.