it was all a mistake

at age 12-14 I was very addicted to YouTube in the lockdown time, just sitting and watching videos all day, only good thing happened from it was I learned some English from that, now I am getting a job which needs English, and deciding to start film career inspired by English media, I feel so frustrated now, like everything I do now relate to the youtubers I watched in those days, do I have to pray in front of their profile-picture them everyday because I learned english by watching them, if something life changing happened while I working on the job does it mean the youtubers and videos are the reason for that, like I got to the job because I know some english, I did not had idea of learning english, I just over-consumed things on the internet, my friends say I have a good english knowledge when they are spending so much money and time on tutoring class but barely know anything, I don't think my English is perfect, today I woke up and spend 3 hours thinking about this my headache is going so bad rn, I feel like I need to die and start over again with learning from proper media and sources. this might feel too weird if you are reading this but I can't stop this sh*t, and yes this feel too real, and I am reassurance seeking rn, I do not feel like living now, I am not overacting, this feels too real, and I won't write this if I did not consumed so much media in those days, I know people reading this also go crazy, because I do not think anyone can comprehend a theme like this, not like other OCD themes, this is the worst