Avoidance

Does anyone else struggle with avoidance as their primary compulsion?

Mine has become considerably worse after a period of trying to force myself to ‘be normal’ about some previous compulsions before i knew they were compulsions. For various reasons i am no longer physically able to engage in the those old compulsions.

The anxiety of that situation became unbearable and without my safety net i shut down into an extended period of severe avoidance which i am still in. I have always had avoidant tendencies and think it’s been my no1 compulsion all of my life.

I have even wondered about Avoidant Personality Disorder. But if i do have that, i’m certain OCD is the root cause of it. I do not want to be this way on any level and it is ruining my life. It is not me.

It feels combined with my ‘just right’ theme in the sense that often i waste entire days not being able to get out of bed because it doesn’t feel ‘right’ and i am waiting for ‘things to settle’ or to ‘feel ready’. The feelings of right / not right, ready / not ready etc are extremely real and visceral in my physical body.

The bed thing is an extreme, but a common one. However this manifests in so so many different ways in my day to day.

I cannot read books anymore. I can hardly go outside. It takes me hours to even consider trying to change from one set of clothing to another. Showering is sometimes impossible. I have lost touch with most of my friends and extended family. I have seen 2 friends in the past year. I am an extraverted person with lots of friends and i love them dearly - i would say they are at the very top of what is important to me in my life. I can hardly text them anymore.

And it isn’t depression (although it certainly triggers it), it isn’t that i lack motivation or desire to do things. I just have become so burnt out and so unable to control my thoughts that i cannot move.

It is ruining my life.