Coping after assault

Trigger warning for sexual assault, heavy dysphoria, and self harm.

I dont know where to start this. I just need to be as honest and uncensored as I can be, I need it all out of my head. It'll be everywhere and messy, but, if anyone's reading, I hope it's comprehensible.

I messed around with a "friend" a few months ago. They penetrated me while I was asleep. Ever since, I've been struggling so badly. Recently accepting it was assault. The dysphoria I've felt since has been crippling. I've been on T for awhile, don't cry much ever since. But the past week, I've done nothing but cry. The pain of being born this way is overbearing. The pain of knowing I'll never have a natal dick is debilitating. I already had bad bottom dysphoria. But now it's horrible. Now I want to cut off every external part down there that I can. I'm aware of what I lack 24/7. I thought I'd be safe with another trans person. I thought they'd understand, especially someone I've known for years. But I realize, to even other trans people, trans men are nothing but what we were born as. We aren't attractive or wanted unless we can be seen as women or a fucking hole. I'm left feeling disgusting, empty, angry. Knowing that if I was a cis man, they wouldn't have done that hurts. Knowing that everyone just fucking assumes that every trans man is a fucking bottom, a god damned hole for others enjoyment, is destroying me. But if I had an actual, natal dick like I'm supposed to, I wouldn't have gone thru that. They wouldn't have done that. They wouldn't have assumed I liked that.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. I don't know how to heal from this. I don't know how to ever feel ok in my body. Assaults already bad, but then you factor in the horrible dysphoria that was already existent, and. Fuck. What do you do? How do you heal? I need bottom surgery so desperately and this has only increased that need tenfold. I can't keep living like this. I'd do anything to be a cis man. Anything.