AITA for not letting my son skip grades?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Idkw1313, account now deleted
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole
AITA for not letting my son skip grades?
Trigger Warnings: bullying
Original Post: January 6, 2025
I (M) am married and have two sons, 10M and 13M.
My 10-year-old has always been a curious and, to me, fairly typical kid. However, his school suggested we take him to a psychologist to see if he might be gifted. Turns out, he is indeed considered gifted.
The issue now is that the school wants to skip him ahead two grades because they say he already has the knowledge for it. My wife is fully on board with this.
I’m against it, largely due to my own personal experience. I was advanced in school, and it didn’t go well for me. I was physically smaller than my classmates and often got bullied for it. I was also socially excluded. On top of that, I worry it might create feelings of inadequacy for my older son, seeing his younger brother so close to him in grade level.
My wife thinks I’m completely wrong. She’s very upset because the school won’t advance our son unless we both agree. At this point, she’s barely speaking to me and has accused me of holding our son back for no good reason and seriously harming his future.
We haven’t talked to our kids about it yet because I don’t think either of them is mature enough to grasp the complexities of the situation.
So, AITA for not letting my son skip grades?
VERDICT: No Assholes Here
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: NTA. Of course you're NTA: you're looking out for your son's well-being.
Firstly: congrats on having a gifted kid. That's a sign that you and your wife are doing a good job of raising him.
It's not just about now but also about what happens later. If he goes to college early and he's not only physically but also emotionally immature relative to his peers there then he'll likely have a difficult time relating to them. I found that forming a new group of close friends quickly was crucial for staying emotionally healthy in college. Additionally, when he's a bit older and they can legally drink but he can't then he's likely going to feel left out.
You also raise a very good point about your other son's potential reaction. You need to handle this whole situation carefully and make sure he doesn't feel left out or as though his standing is diminished.
Does your son know that him skipping grades are being considered? How does he feel about it?
OOP: I don’t deserve any praise for him being gifted. It’s simply a condition he was born with, just like he could’ve been born with countless other traits. It’s the lottery of life/genetics.
We are thinking to talk to him about skipping grades, but we are not sure if he is mature enough to understand the complexity of this situation.
Commenter 2: NTA to be cautious. Socially it could be very difficult as your son enters middle and high school. The school might think he is bored with the current level of subjects if he’s gifted. Two grades is a very large leap. Possibly consider one grade but he should have a say in the decision.
OOP: He read his older brother’s books and apparently picked up the subjects. I thought he was just reading out of curiosity. But after the school suggested advancing him because of his knowledge, it all made sense why he enjoyed reading those books.
Update - wayback: January 10, 2025
I decided to post this update because I received so many helpful responses from people genuinely concerned about my kids. So, first, this is a thank-you.
My wife and I already had a meeting scheduled with the school for the following day. I brought up questions, many of which were also raised here.
• Why skip two grades instead of focusing on specific subjects? The school explained that this is an exceptional case because his teacher confirmed that he already knows all the material that would be taught next year. It’s not like he’s only advanced in one subject, like math (or any other example). I disagreed, pointing out that by this logic, the following grade levels would also quickly become obsolete for him. They clarified that if that happens, they’ll continue advancing him and offering specialized only activities in the areas he enjoys most. The teacher also mentioned that while my son isn’t disruptive, his behavior is being imitated by classmates who don’t have the same abilities, which ends up disrupting the others.
• Bullying concerns: I’ve already told the school I’m worried he’ll be bullied, and I repeated it during the meeting. The school insists that it’s not an issue and that teachers will pay close attention. To me, this is a red flag because bullying happens in every school, even if adults don’t notice it and the kids experiencing it can’t express their struggles.
• Physical and social development differences: The school admitted that physical development differences are almost unavoidable and there’s not much they can do about that. However, they believe social development isn’t as much of a concern because they view my son as more mature than the kids in his current grade. They acknowledged that physical development is a downside but framed it as a “not everything in life is perfect” kind of situation.
After, we sat down with our younger son. We explained that the school wants to move him ahead, shared my personal experience, and told him we wanted to hear his thoughts. At first, he said he didn’t know what to say. So, we asked him questions like whether he found school boring or if he thought he could be friends with older kids. In the end, he said he’d like to learn more but admitted he was a little scared of the older boys (I think my experience influenced his response).
We made an agreement to ask the school if he could try advancing one grade for the remainder of this school year. Then, next year, we’ll decide what to do based on how he feels about it.
We spoke with the school again, and starting next week, he’ll begin testing in the higher grade.
I also had a conversation with my older son and used the NBA as an analogy to help him understand. I told him that not everyone is LeBron James, but that doesn’t mean the other players aren’t great.
Finally, we’re putting both kids in therapy to ensure they have the support they need.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: The first red flag was the thing about how kids imitating him is disruptive. OP is probably being vague to keep word count down, but that sounds like a teacher who isn't handling kids who finish early well. If what he is doing isn't disruptive that means something like reading? So other kids wanting to finish and read is bad?
Good that they are testing though, I would be wondering if he is as "smart" as this teacher thinks he is or if this teacher is just too obsessed with averages.
OOP: She said that he finishes his work and then starts talking to his classmates. The issue is that he starts talking after he’s already done, while his classmates interact with him before they’ve finished their own work.
Another example is that he completes his homework during class, so he has nothing left to do at home. Other kids see this and rush to finish their own assignments, but they end up doing them poorly, whereas my son gets everything done thoroughly and correctly.
The teacher also actually tested him on the material from the next grade level. She showed us the results, and based on his test scores, he would rank among the top students in that class.
Commenter 2:
You are worried about factors that can also come into play if he doesn’t skip grades.
This is it for me, does OP not realise how smarter kids get mercilessly picked on in whatever class they're in, regardless of whether they're the same age or younger.
OOP: I don’t disagree, but when you’re around kids your own size, you can at least physically defend yourself. When the other kids are much bigger… it’s a different story.
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