My husband is best friend with his ex wife
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Jazzlike-Sugar-7209
Originally posted to r/offmychest
My husband is best friend with his ex wife
Trigger Warnings: mentions of sexual assault, emotional infidelity
Original Post: October 17, 2024
My husband 36M and I (34F) had been married for 8 years, together for 14, and we have a 4 years old daughters that is our whole life.
He had been married before with Eliza, his best friend. They married at 18 and lasted 2 years and divorced. They remained best friend and when we started dating, Eliza; my husband's other best friend, Jack and my husband were a tight knit. Eliza was "one of the bros" and I always was "the girlfriend" and later "the wife" always an outsider, his two friends are single, so our house was always a place to crash. Even since we moved together they would show unannounced and do their own thing while I made snacks and full meals. For the first yeard I tried my best to integrate into their clique but never worked out. It was always akward and I felt I was inserting myself where I didn't belonged so I stopped trying and relegate myself to be great host and let them do their things.
I didn't notice at first but over the years resentment had build. I feel like a 50's house wife serving drinks and lighting cigarrettes to men.
My husband on his own is amazing and love him. He had been a great partner and my bestfriend during this 14 years. Problem is I'm not his best friend, Eliza is.
Every single thing that happens in our life had tl be discussed and annalized with Eliza.
Early in our relationship I got pregnant, I took the test early in the night and we were really scared, despite this he was so reassuring with me holding me the whole night and told he was ready to do whatever I wanted to do. I said I needed to really think about it. Next day we went to our classes and agreed to lunch together.
When we met, he asked me how I was and all, then told he had the contact of a doctor who did abortions (it was illegal back then) I asked how he found one so fast when wasnt sure what to do. Answer: he called Eliza early in the morning and she had a friend. I felt so betrayed because this was something that belonged to me and he went and shared it with someone else, "not just someone else is Elizs, come on!", he said.
During the next days everytime I saw him he has new information from Eliza and Eliza's friend. I was so confused and scared, and Eliza convinced my boyfriend we needed to it fast because it would be easier. It was so much pressure I agreed long story short it was a rat hole doctor office and I almost died there.
To this day I don't know if I should had kept the baby or no. But better not think about it.
When my boyfriend propossed Eliza was "fake mad" he didn't said first to her he was going to propose to me. The only way to placate her was to has her as a best man, despite my husband having a male best friend.
Every little or major event in our life turns into "yeah, I'm gonna tell now Eliza you know how she gets"
I was SA as a child and told this to my husband, he was the first person I talked about it. Months later Eliza and I were alone in out kitchen and she started to talk about something she heard in the news about a girl raped my a family member and then hugged me.
When I started to try for a child and I got pregnant I asked my husband to kept this for us for a little. It was wednesday, sunday when I saw Eliza she congratulated me. I ended up miscarrying.
I started to look for a doctor to help me deal with my depression, again, something I wanted to keep to myself. Eliza was so understanding.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, Eliza came full of advice on things I should do. I told her to mind her own bussines wich really hurt her feelings. I stood on my ground and told my husband I wasn't going to raise my kid with Eliza and didn't wanted to hear any advice from her.
This was a big fight with my husband becaude I was rude and Eliza was family and already considered herself and auntie. This had been the only time I had given an ultimatum to my husband "Eliza better keep herself away from my motherhood or will leave"
Now resentment has reached a point when I don't want her near me or my house or my husband.
I feel she is more married to my husband than I.
My whole life feels like I live best friends to lover drama.
I'm not sure why I'm writings this. Probably because I'm alone in a coffee shop and thinking I want my husband to be my husband and not feel like a lame love interest in someone else epic love story.
In the past my husband thought I was being childish. Despite loving him I cant keep to be married like this. I dont feel I can trust to talk to him again without involving Eliza, I don't want to hold an ultimatums.
TL;DR My husband is best friend with his ex wife. I dont trust him anymore.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Wow, that's a really heavy one. Have you confronted him when he told her stuff you wanted to be between you two?
OOP: Yes I did. He always acts like "is iust Eliza, I needed to talk out with someone, he needed support, outside perspective , to vent"
Commenter 2: Well, you almost died because Eliza recommended a quack for your abortion.
Honestly, I don't know. Probably an ultimatum would work, but you said you don't want to give him one. Maybe couple therapy? Either that or divorce, you seem to be at the end of the rope.
PS: has Eliza been seeing someone all this time? Were they alright with her connection with your husband?
OOP: Before I had my daughter I gave him a ultimatum or either he and Eliza respected my motherhood and she kept her opinions to herself or we were done.
I dont want to just keep giving ultimatums to keep my marriage.
Honestly, I don't even know if counseling would work because I don't think he see a problem so he would probably go and has a drink with her and tell about the counseling.
Commenter 3: Exactly! Seems like OP wasted her time being the third wheel in her own relationship and ultimately her marriage. Giving ultimatums and then not following through is just a waste of words.
Commenter 4: Yeah he knows she won’t do anything so he’s not going to change.
Commenter 3: Yup! That’s why it’s been 14 years and she’s pretty much the side chick, just how her husband and Eliza like it. She stomps her feet and they laugh at her or completely ignore her and go back to their little bubble. Then the cycle repeats. OP should’ve left around the time of the abortion. The writing was on the wall in big bold capitalized letters.
OOP: For the last 14 years everytime every time I express how I don't like our private life to be shared with outsiders he downplay it as needed to talk things about, to vent, his friends are his closes family, they wouldn't never judge. But I'm just right here if he needs to talk to vent o whatever. Then it comes like I want to isolate him.
I don't want to isolate him from people he cares I want to share my problems, our problems with him and only him.
This past 14 years I've thinking maybe I'm crazy and possessive. Maybe I'm toxic for not understanding how a strong friendship is.
Its only because now resentment has build, because I started to see myself as annoying characters between the two main characters.
I feel so down. I had given everything into my marriage.
OOP on why her husband and Eliza divorced in the first place?
OOP: They married very young at 18 after dating for 3 months.
Their relationship was very intense in a good way at first then in bad bad way. They divorced 2 years later and discovered they were better off as best friends.
Update: November 22, 2024 (one month later)
I'm gonna start saying how thankfull I'm to everybody that showed grace on my last post.
This isn't a happy update, if anything welcome to the pity, angsty train.
After writing my post and reading how most people felt about, my head was full of doubs and sadness. Your opinion isn't a surprise since most of my friends and family had voiced the same at some point. I guess I'm too slow and need to be punched harder to understand.
Few days after my post, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Having a large family is what I (we) always wanted and ever since my abortion I was left with a feeling of having empty arms. So holding my daughter in my arms was like feeling whole again and know I need to grow my arms even more to hold my new baby too💫. But after the initial happiness a ugly feeling started to grow in my stomach. I didn't wanted Eliza in our life.
It felt like taking my inocence glasses out and I was able to see her. Like really see her. How every smile was so damn fake, every compliment was always mean spirit or kinda a self compliment "nice potato salad it was great, oh, remember (to my husband) THAT potato salad I made it was kinda unbelievable blahblahblah" or "nice outfil I LOVE how confedent you are, I can't leave the house without making sure my outfit is flawless"
Her reaction to my first pregnancy, wedding, travels, my second pregnancy, buying a house. How everything that should be between my husband and I, always include her, like if our life was a play she should write and direct.
On our first christmas together she came when we were decorating and with all his positive cristics, I ended sitting in a corner drinking wine while she and my husband decorate.
She is always here. And by here I mean in my life. She has a say in everything in my life, to the point that when my husband voice his opinion I can say when these are his words and when are Eliza's.
I'm no saying that since I wrote the last post everybody turned into ultimate evils, but thinking and rethinking about my life with my husband, I had always been a pasive character, its like my husband got himself a pet and he and Eliza are going to be endgame when they both realize they never stopped loving each other.
Some of you, as my sister, will say I'm dormant. I guess I am. I have let this go for so long that it becomes normal. My life isn't bad, my hudband hasn't been a bad husband and Eliza isn't so bad if the bar is she hasn't tried to kill me yet. I know is clear to you all, but to me it have been my life for years, my day to day, I learned to look away and make me small so I don't make others uncomfortable.
Maybe because I'm pregnant and hormonal but I'm tired of this. I love my husband but I feel he can't love fully with Eliza whispering to his ear and him running like a golden retriever to please her.
So after all that thinking and rethinking I sat my husband down and told him we needed to set some strong boundaries because our marriage was working and I didn't feel loved or respected like a wife or even a person. I explained more of less what I said here. My husband denied everything and tried to explain himself saying Eliza was like a sister to him, I say even siblings have boundaries. It was back and forth, with him making me doubt if maybe I was in fact trying to control who was or wasnt in his life. Wanting to monitor his friendships and even joked if will need to sly away to have a drink with his buds. For a moment I feel maybe I was in fact crazy.
But I was firm into my ground: If he wanted to kept this marriage Eliza needs to be gone from our life.
At first I thought low contact was good but seeing his reaction I knew that wasn't going to be enough, maybe I wouldn't bee seeing Eliza, but he certainly will do and I would be antagonized and mocked. Honestly knowing this made me realize my marriage was over.
So I asked important questions and pressed: what his real feeling were? Why they divorced if they where so hung into each other? Why no leave me sooner? Why no leave me? Did he loves Eliza more than me? Why? What is that? What is that, that I dont have and she does that makes her imposible to leave?
In a summary: he loves her, but he loves me, he doesn't understand how. Both of us bring something he doesn't want to miss. He is not sure if he wants a life with Eliza like the one we have, a marriage, a family. But she is his soulmate. They divorce because between then it was so much fire the were burning eachother, with me he has calm, peace and loving place to come back. He have never cheated, but admists he sometimes fantasies with her being me and me being her. They often talk about them having this life but agree that being together would break their bond. All fucked up, my god.
I know is was kinda obvious to you all on my first post and it should have been obvious to me, but hearing my husband saying he loves another woman that is his souldmate and he put her in the center of our life, made her an auntie to our daughter and somekind of sister in law to me, a suppose family friend. I'm not gonna lie, it broke me, I threw myseld in the floor and hugged his legs and asked him what I need to do to him to love me, to ONLY love ME. i felt so pathetic, but I believed everything was worth to save something with so much value like my marriage. I cried and cried and cried. And the hardest part was to hear there was nothing I could do.
This. This is all. I know isnt some shocking new, to me my life is falling appart, the only thing holging me up are two little hands that hug me every night and the small bean in my belly.
We haven't discussed anything legal yet. He left the house and my sister and mom and staying with us for now.
Top Comments
Commenter 1: He’s a selfish cruel man. She is just as equally horrible. He used you and kept her around and she played along with it. He says he sees her as a sister but then says he fantasizes about her being you and you being her, both cannot be true at the same time. She is either a sister to him or he wants her to be his wife. All he does is lie. He was living his best life and got everything he wanted. He HAS cheated, maybe not physically (doubt it), but emotionally he has. You deserve to find someone who truly loves you and chooses you every single time and not someone who has another choice. You were their little doll to play with. You gave him all of these wonderful things so she didn’t have to, but she gets the perks of being your husband‘s girlfriend without ever having to get pregnant or do any hard labor in a marriage. I’m so sorry.
Commenter 2: While you're going through this transition, do not share details with him that you don't want Eliza to be privy to. Talk with your sister and your mother. Don't tell him about the baby until you're ready for her to also know. Invest the love you had for him back into yourself and your babies. Eliza doesn't want him, she wants the power in your relationship and the control. He's going to come crawling back to the family you built for him. Don't let him.
Latest Update here: BoRU #2