Astarion, Sexualization, and Choice - From a Survivor

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Astarion is a character whom I unexpectedly found myself relating to heavily in the sense of not really feeling like your body belongs to you. The feeling of being "tainted" by someone before, and as a coping mechanism, choosing to "embrace" the part of you that they damaged. Trying to take your body back by force by engaging in dangerous activities you don't even necessarily enjoy, but they offer a distraction. Besides, others have only expressed interest in you in a purely lustful way in the past, so it may as well be embraced, right?

The over-sexualization of oneself due to trauma is one I and so many others identify and resonate with (especially if it's been a major part of your life), and Astarion is no exception. He shares his past of having hundreds of lovers that he had seduced in order to lead them to Cazador, and expresses his disgust for it. Were there other ways he could have possibly brought souls to his master? Of course, but the truth of the matter is that he recognized the appeal he had on others, and used it to his advantage. Sex more or less became a means to an end, simply to keep himself useful to the man who held his life in the palm of his hand, completely at his mercy. So it was no surprise when he expected Tav/Durge to behave similarly to those he had slept with before.

Before I hop into this next section, I just want to make one thing clear: people are allowed to find Astarion sexy (I mean, hey, they gotta lure us into that route somehow, right?). I am also not claiming that victims of SA are incapable of being perceived as sexy or that they should be babied or coddled due to their experiences, only simply that it should be within their own limits of comfort. An important thing of regaining the power that is lost through abuse, at least for me, is the power of choice. CHOOSING when or where you get to be perceived as such, and Astarion definitely has his lines where he expresses these wants and shows of bodily autonomy. So, with that out of the way, let's continue!

Astarion is incredibly sexualized by the fan base, mainly due to his characterization in Act I— he is flirtatious, speaks lyrically, and even teases the player if they allow him to feed off of them, asking if they enjoyed it (and hey, he's handsome). But this whole identity gets turned on its head come Act II. Many first time players may not realize it, but the act of forcing or even remotely encouraging/cheering Astarion to suck the blood of the drow woman in Moonrise Towers will end any sort of romantic endeavors the player had built up thus far. Admittedly, I was feeling greedy and wanted to get Lae'zel to 22 strength, so I chose the plausible deniabily option of basically telling him, "do what you want, but it would be really nice to have that potion!" So, he did it, and I only realized why I felt so icky about my decision 6 hours later.

The player is confronted by Astarion before a long rest, and he will express his discontentment with the whole situation. He will recall how, even though he has been temporarily freed from all the binds of being a vampire (save for the bloodthirst), he was still most useful only when it came to his body. Tav/Durge had taken all rapport that the two of them had built up, all the trust, friendship, romance, what-have-you, and snubbed it beneath their heel in an instant. Even then, during the confrontation, you as the player have the conscious choice to keep sexualizing him, even at his most vulnerable, by backing him further into a corner with snide remarks and suggestive comments, that quite honestly, read as very... harassing.

And this is kind of where it really clicked for me, and made me freeze and do a double take of what options the devs had truly laid out for us. My jaw dropped as I recalled real-life events that, without going into too much detail, reminded me of when I was manipulated and coerced into things in a similar manner as Astarion was at Moonrise, though obviously regarding a different matter. Needless to say, I was kind of disgusted in myself, and reloaded a save from hours beforehand, just to remedy my mistake. I truly felt a sense of responsibility for my actions, and wanted to right the wrong I had done of taking away his right to choose. To be his own person.

I know, I know, it's just a video game, but I guess, in a way, myself and many other players simply weren't expecting this level of humanity and complexity from a romanceable character. Of course, I understand how some just can't get behind his character upon first impressions, but fuck, man; I haven't even finished Act II yet (just followed Ketheric down into the hole) and his scenes have made me cry twice now. I fell head over heels for his character after the comfort scene that the Durge route offers, and just really didn't want to give that up, so I'm glad I backtracked. Astarion is such an incredibly complex character, I feel like I could write for hours and yet never find quite the right things to say.

This was mostly just me typing into the void, but I just had to get my thoughts on paper, and if someone happens to come across this post and enjoys it, then that's wonderful. If you made it this far: hello, and thank you for reading my word-vomit! It came straight from the heart.

TL;DR: In a blind playthrough, found that I relate to the vampire character in ways I didn't really expect to.

Edit: Apparently there's a way to keep romance with him after the Moonrise Towers incident, my mistake! I didn't really try to exhaust my options before backtracking, haha.