Yesterday, I got a gift and it broke me
Originally posted in r/Coconaad by user CheesecakeSorry1932
Original: Feb 12, 2025
Update: Feb 25, 2025
Status: concluded
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\** Editor's note for context*
- Coconaad sub is the casual corner for folks from the Southern state of Kerala. OOP also posted the same in r/OffMyChestIndia and r/TeenIndia . (comment reaction reflects all 3 subs). OOP is 19(M)
- There are a range of skin tones in India given the different people groups/ethnicities. "Fair" is light skinned while "wheatish" is darker skinned. However, being termed fair or dark can be relative and sometimes based on who is standing next to you. Colorism/bias does unfortunately exist.
- While straight hair type is prevalent, wavy, curly hair also exists especially in the South. Heat and humidity can really affect the frizz/curls. So daily management can be difficult/unpredictable. Not all hair stylists know how to cut or cater to different hair types.
- APJ Abdul Kalam known as Father of Indian missile technology for his significant contributions. He was also a politician in later years and had a distinctive (wavy) hairstyle that he maintained till the end. Photo#1
- Indira Gandhi, the first female Prime Minister of India, was a powerhouse in Indian politics during the 60s-80s. Her signature look (curls with streaks of grey, and cotton saree) is still remembered and iconic. Photo#2
- Zudio -- name of store/brand
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Original -- Anyone else tired of being the only one who reaches out?
I swear, I’m always the one reaching out, keeping in touch, making sure friendships don’t just fade into nothing. But after a while, if I notice I’m the only one making an effort, I just… stop. And the messed up part? Half the time, I still end up reaching out anyway because I can’t help myself.
I know people express love and communication in different ways, and I try to be understanding, but damn, it still messes with me. Like, if I didn’t text first, would we ever talk again? It makes me want to be petty and just match their energy, but I know that would just make me feel worse.
And I can’t even bring it up to friends because I know how it would sound. No one wants to be the person saying, “Hey, why don’t you ever hit me up first?” because if they don’t change after that, it just hurts even more. So I just sit here, caught between wanting to say something and not wanting to feel like I’m begging for attention.
Comments:
baboonicplague -- I can relate to your situation. With family members or friends, most of the time I feel like I’m the only one given the responsibility of checking in. Them? Barely ever. It makes me think twice about what kind of relationship I had with these people.
njan_manyan -- Its not an effort olympics, there is nothing wrong being the one who reaches out first. If the other person don't care about you it will be visible in other things. people will be busy with things, people forget... So if you are concerned about it ask them directly if they care they will understand it.
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Update -- Yesterday, I got a gift and the first thing that came to my mind wasn’t Joy.
When someone receives a gift, their first reaction is usually happiness. Mine wasn’t.
Growing up, I never really felt seen. Outside of my parents, love and attention were things I had to earn. I believed that to be liked, I needed to offer something first be useful, be helpful, be something. From a young age, my relatives always pointed out that I looked exactly like my father but with one difference: he was fair, and I wasn’t. Every time they said it, he would get so angry. I never understood why, but I knew it wasn’t a good thing to be compared like that.
In school, I was invisible. If you weren’t the smartest or the most talented, you were just… there. And I was just there. Until I realized something people notice you when you give them something.
So, I started helping my classmates with their homework. If I did things for them, I felt included. If I stopped, I disappeared. I started paying for my friends whenever we went out not because I wanted to, but because I felt like it secured my place in their lives. It gave me a reason to exist to them.
I know this might sound like I was some attention-seeking fool, but I didn’t know any better. I just wanted to feel like I mattered.
I never had female friends growing up. I convinced myself it was because I wasn’t fair, or talented, or the smartest. Why would anyone want to be friends with someone who had nothing to offer?
I can count every compliment I’ve ever received because there have been so few. I still remember one from 6th grade. We had a new computer teacher, in her 20s fresh out of college, full of energy. One day, she told me, “You have the best hairstyle in the class.”At that time, my father always made sure my hair was cut a certain way a middle part, neat, disciplined. While all my classmates had trendy fades, I was stuck looking like APJ Abdul Kalam or Indira Gandhi. They all made fun of me for it.
So when she said that, I couldn’t believe it. My first reaction wasn’t gratitude, it was denial. I told her, “Please don’t lie.” She called me to her class during break and asked me why I said that. I broke down. I told her about the teasing, about how I hated my hair, about how I felt like nothing. She listened. She comforted me. And then she asked, “In a world where you’re always worried about how others see you, have you ever loved yourself?” That question didn’t mean much to me back then. I still kept seeking approval. But looking back, I realize it was the first time someone asked me to think about myself.
And then, as I grew older, things got worse. I started believing that sacrifice was the key to being loved. I would purposely hold back in exams, even when I knew the answers, so I wouldn’t outshine my friends. I would stay quiet when I knew the answer to a joke or a riddle, just so someone else could have their moment. I thought if I gave up things, opportunities, achievements, happiness people would like me more.
One day, I had a long conversation with a stranger. At the end of it, she said, “You deserve better.” And that broke me.
For 19 years, I had never prioritized myself. Never once thought about what I wanted. And realizing that hurt more than anything. But this year, I finally started healing. I started doing things for me.
And then yesterday happened.
I don’t have many friends, but I went to a movie with a schoolmate I’ve known for five years. During the conversation, I told him I’d be moving to Germany soon, my classes start in April. He congratulated me, and we watched the movie.
Afterward, he was driving when he suddenly pulled into a Zudio, saying he needed a T-shirt. I went in with him, and we wandered around for a while. He picked out a hoodie and asked, “How’s this?” I told him it looked great.
Then, out of nowhere, he handed it to me and said, “This is for you.”
I froze. I didn’t know how to react. My first thought wasn’t happiness. It was discomfort. I hadn’t given him anything. So how could he give me something? I have spent my whole life believing that I had to earn everything love, kindness, friendship. And in one moment, with one simple gesture, he shattered that belief.
He has no idea how much that hoodie means to me. He has no idea how much this helps in my healing. I’m crying as I write this. I just needed to put it out there. That’s all.
Comments:
avialsucks -- I am glad your friend did that for you! Love yourself and keep yourself as the priority in your life. Transactional relationships won't last and it's better to work on yourself than wasting your time/money/energy on others who don't care. Also, let your friend know how much this means to you, give him a hug. You also deserve a hug 🫂❤️
CrabPuzzled9240 -- Why would anyone want to be friends with someone who has nothing to offer ? Can't count how many times I have thought that till now.. actually your situation is soo similar to mine , if I showed this to my past / future self claiming that I wrote this post(after removing the part about the teacher coz I never had anyone like that), they'd be convinced.. damn I have a quiz today , but we'll talk later for sure.
Y_122 -- I can relate alot especially to the hairstyle comments amongst classmates, These small moments of unaware taunting sometimes lead them to being permanent marks in someone's heart.
I try to be a lot open hearted with people which honestly hasn't mostly resulted in the same feelings from their side but honestly I dont mind it much now as i have came to realise that most people aren't taught how to be open hearted and share feelings no matter how rich they are financially.
Genuinely happy for you that you are focusing on yourself and about your friend's kind gesture, Also congratulations on moving abroad!
Haldi_wali_Doodh -- A simple act of kindness does wonder. OP thank you for reminding me why it matters
REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.