How to handle a long surpressed kink? It feels nice and soo terrible

Sorry, this is maybe a bit a mess…

I (32f) just startet to reach out, I have a kink. I think I knew it earlier, but it never was an option to allow this feelings and thoughts. I surpressed it now for like 10 years or more.

I was raised in a conservative family. There was also a religious background. We did´nt talked about sex, sexual orientation/trans, fetish or something similar. So today: To talk about that feels embarrassing sometimes I feel vulnerable.

For a couple of years I am married now. My spouse is more type vanilla-sex/not dominant. Sex was okay, even good till now, neverless i wishing more and some different. Like type kinky-sex.

I can not remember a trigger-point to all of this. I „just started“ to think and fantasize about masochism and beeing a submissive, get used, bondage and more. It feels delightful and exciting and fun, so I want definetly more and I want it physically not just in my head. On the other hand it feels so awful. I am ashamed and feel guilty and I cried about all of this. It is like a trap. So for now it is my secret. Nobody (except you) knows about what´s going on. Idk how to tell it to friends or my spouse. How to start include it in my existing life.
Divorce/Breaking up my relationship is no option. Ignoring „the news“ is no option.

I am living rural, so semi-optimal infrastructure. Means no munch/events in the closer surroundings.

Any advices/ideas how to handle the situation?

Thank you a lot!