Liam payne's news has caused me an insane amount of mental breakdowns

Now that I am a little more calm I got to the conclusion that one direction was the first (and only) somewhat socially acceptable special interest I've had. It was the first time I didn't feel criticized for being myself. Because most girl love boybands, I got friends that actually enjoyed my facts and didn't make fun of me for it. I think it's one of the few times I've felt like I'm sharing the joy and not being annoying.

I was in denial for a while and didn't know how feel because of all of the controversies. It wasn’t until today that I saw the fans making a Human shield for liam's dad that it really hit me. I haven’t been able to stop crying for more than 15 minutes in the last 6 hours.

Growing up I spent so much time consuming any media form possible. I truly feel like I love them. I basically learned English with them. They were really part of my childhood in a way I don't know neurotypical people would understand. I feel like they are a part of me, as I feel like Greek mythology and snakes and sharks are.

But now I'm not a teenager, now it's not socially acceptable to behave like this. My friends don't get why I'm so sad, my dad literally stopped comforting me when I told him why I was upset and said "he just lost a friend and he didn't react like this" . My partner though I was joking and laughed when I told her my dad brushed me off. I feel so alone, I'm tired of feeling alone and judged, one would think that after 23 years of being treated the same I would get accustomed to it. But no.

I'm not defending his actions, nor blaming the victims like I've seen in the internet. I don’t understand my feelings rn.