I hate who I am

My (22F) anxiety makes it hard for me to find a job and even just go outside bymyself so I live with my mum (49) and brother (6) I look after my brother when our mums at work, I clean and our new puppy is my responsibility. I've missed out on all the things my friends seem to be thriving in and haven't seen them in almost 4 years.

When I get annoyed I usually bite my tongue and don't say anything or go to be bymyself. When I'm alone at home and am angry at even a little thing I find that I cant control myself, there's no reason too if I'm alone. I usually throw or hit something that's not breakable but I always hate myself for it. I hate who I'm becoming.

Everything my mum does annoyes me, it could be the tone of her voice or sometimes just the way she looks at me. My friend told me to get a job, save up and move out but it's not that easy. I don't have any qualifications, I went to university for a month before I dropped out because I struggled to even get the bus to get there. Even if I had the chance to move out I wouldn't want to leave my brother with our mum alone. I don't want him to grow up with her treating him like how she treated me, our mums different now but I can't just leave him.

Everyone around me tells me I'm ment to have a boyfriend too, which I do want but I haven't spoken to a guy in years and don't have a chance to meet anyone. It sometimes feels like I'm going to be alone forever and my family and friends telling me I NEED to date someone and that it's weird for me to never have had my first kiss at 22 makes me feel alone and it's not like someone would look and me and decide they wanted a relationship, I'm not pretty and I'd rather know someone before dating them which I cant do because I cant talk to strangers. It feels like I'm just going around in circles.

I hate missing out on everything and now that I'm becoming this angry person it's only a matter of time before it comes out. The only thing I've ever liked about myself is that I could easily understand other people, they could talk to me without worry and now that part of myself is gone and I feel like a monster. I don't know who I am and I don't know what to do